The Parent's Handbook to Unschooling Yourself.
A Mindful Guide to Embracing a New Way of Living and Learning With Your Child
“In unschooling families, the problem of learning is about the parents' learning, not the children's. To support their children, parents must unlearn old, habitual ways of thinking and learn new, mindful ways. Esther Jones provides here a wonderful guide for doing this.”
Peter Gray, author of Free to Learn
Many parents know that their child is unhappy at school, and they deeply want their child to be happy, to enjoy learning and to feel able to be themselves. But they often assume that if their child came out of school, they would somehow need to recreate school at home. The thought of being responsible for directing their child's learning every day may fill them with dread and, understandably, they worry about how that could adversely affect their relationship with their child. And so, although they may desperately want something different, it is almost impossible to envisage what that could be.
What does it mean to unschool yourself?
In The Parent's Handbook to Unschooling Yourself, I invite parents to embark on a fascinating journey that has their child's (and their own) wholeness at its heart. This is a journey of intentionally unraveling our fears, expectations and conditioning, so that we can truly support our children to naturally learn, grow and thrive as their unique selves. It is inevitably a challenging and bumpy ride, but also endlessly fulfilling, for ourselves, for our children, and for our relationship together.
Why can unschooling feel so difficult?
Most of us went to school ourselves, and so our understanding of learning is deeply shaped by our own experiences. It may never have occurred to us that learning can look like anything other than school: an adult directing the process, knowledge divided into subjects, and learning neatly organised into a certain number of hours each day. We may have come to believe that learning is inevitably hard work, that it requires discipline, and that growing and succeeding in life means doing lots of things we don't particularly want to do. We may also assume that school is essential for social development and for building our child’s resilience.
A different way of living and learning together
Unschooling challenges all these assumptions, which is why it can initially feel extremely uncomfortable. We are likely to find ourselves worrying about whether our child is learning enough, comparing them with other children, trying to steer their interests or feeling the urge to take control. We will almost certainly go through many moments of thinking we're doing it all wrong or that our child isn't cut out for this. In the beginning, in particular, it can feel like a real rollercoaster.
The Parent's Handbook to Unschooling Yourself is an invitation to become curious about all of this. It asks us to take a closer look at our reactions and to question the ideas we have inherited about children, learning, success and what it means to be a good parent. And, in doing so, it opens us up to a very different way of living and learning together. Rather than trying to make our child learn and pushing for things to happen, we are now holding our children in a space of trust, respecting their agency, getting curious about their choices and, above all, centering connection at the heart of everything.
For the child who struggled at school, being held in a space of trust and connection can be transformational. No longer under the stress of external expectations or the pressure to comply, they can reconnect with their own deep curiosity about the world, their powerful intrinsic motivation, and their own values and desires. This autonomy helps them develop a strong sense of who they are, discovering the joy and satisfaction that comes from learning as a uniquely personal journey rather than something imposed upon them.
Research, lived experience and lots of practical tools
The book draws on extensive research around learning as well as on my own experiences of stepping away from school and those of other parents. It is packed with reassuring stories from people who have walked this path (or are still walking it) and whose experiences will certainly resonate with any parent embarking on this journey.
It walks you through what you can expect from your days when your child is self-directed in their learning, and how you can best support them in their interests. You’ll find ways to build your community, and help your child explore the wider world. You will also find practical mindfulness-based tools, and a four-step process to help you explore the triggers as they arise. In the context of unschooling, these triggers are always an invitation to deepen our understanding of ourselves and our child.
And of course, we matter too!
And finally, The Parent's Handbook to Unschooling Yourself invites you to take a long look at how you are living your life. Are you modeling the kind of life you believe in? Many parents in the book share how this has been a healing journey for them, leading them to explore all the “shoulds” that they have lived their lives by, and coming to a place of deeper authenticity. You'll find lots of ideas in the book to help you on this journey alongside ways to start to make shifts in your own life.
REVIEWS
This book helped me through one of the trickiest bits of my life. As my child collapsed under the pressure of school I felt our world was collapsing too. My child could not sleep and increasingly did not leave home. I felt forced to take her out of school to home ed just to stop the school breaking her completely. I was angry that she was not supported in school, shocked how hard it was to get the doctor to help and struggling to do my hours at work. I was exhausted and lost. How could I juggle a job and find time to teach her? How come no one understood? Would she want to leave the house again? This book turned this around. It reassured me all would be fine and put us on a much happier path. I felt held. Reassured. The book helped me to see how I could adapt to a new way of life but better than that it helped me embrace it and relish a new level of understanding and comfort in our home. The words are gentle and wise, reassuring and comforting. Nothing is demanded of you but you are shown how a life unschooling could be. We are now several months into unschooling. It works. My child feels safe. She goes out. She sees people. If she has a bad day we know what to do. She knows what she likes and is more herself. She feels I get her more and this matters so much. I have learnt to observe her and be guided by her. This book helped me see a much better way forward and I am so grateful for it. If you know anyone who is feeling they must home ed or who chooses to home ed get them this. It makes the way forward obvious and happy.
I wholeheartedly recommend The Parent’s Handbook to Unschooling Yourself to anyone starting out on an unschooling journey, anyone curious about unschooling and anyone who wants to dive in deeper and unravel more layers. Throughout her book, Esther gently encourages us to reflect, approach situations with curiosity and support our own wellbeing. I really appreciated how she draws on her own lived experience to guide us through peeling back more layers of deschooling. I especially loved how she encourages us to rediscover what makes us feel alive. One of my biggest reflections from her book is that this journey is about myself - not just my child.
